Not to be... (Part 2)

Not to be: Part 1

---------
...continued


Now, it was the last time they would be meeting, for the foreseaable & relevant future. The setting was neutral - a coffee shop. Neither was known for an emotional outburst, and the coffee shop would prevent such a scene in any case.

He reached early and was waiting for her. She came soon, dressed in purple. The dark colour was in perfect contrast with her beautiful, smooth, fair skin. Ah, she looked angelic. He regretted not having shaved off his stubble. He convinced himself - maybe she liked the rugged look !

He held her hand - it fit perfectly into his. She did not resist. She liked the warmth of his hands. He was sad, upset. He knew how the conversation would proceed. She was smiling, the twinkle in her eyes always present. He hoped that the smile hid some amount of sadness & regret. He wanted to hear from her how she felt about him. Little did he know that he never would, ever.

He was not his usual self. He found it hard to talk, to smile, to make conversation. There was a lump in his throat, that brought tears to the edge of his eye. But, he refused to cry. He wanted to be strong. He wanted to show her that he also could be strong like her. He wanted to lie to her - just this one time.

She was truly lady-like in her approach, the only exception being that she did not withdraw her hand from his.

She kept talking, and he kept fidgeting with her fingers.

Suddenly, he interrupted her irrelevant talks.

"are you sure ?"

She was silent for a while. "Yes"

"This is just not fair", he resigned.

"I know.. but, the doors are closed on our relationship"

"they are not closed. you have shut them ! I want you to open the door for me.."

And, then, as she dithered to reply, he gave up. Whatever hopes he had, came crashing down. He knew it wasn't going to be. It was meant to be. It was perfect. But it was not going to happen.

He will be with someone else. She will be with someone else. They both might very well be happy in their individual lives. But for him, one question will always persistently bother him - What if ? What if ?

She mentioned something about them not having a snap together. He asked the waiter to click a snap. He even smiled. They would both preserve this photograph, this only photograph of their together, forever.

Although he smiled for the photograph, his mind was elsewhere. He had never felt this helpless. He was a guy who liked to be in control. He realised that this time, he would have to let go.

Soon, the coffees became as cold as the conversation died down. They stood, her hand still in his, almost like they had forgotten they are holding hands.

And they walked out. He was lost. She betrayed no sadness, gave him nothing to capitalise on, showed no weakness. In this moment, for this reason, he hated her. But not as much as he loved her.

She was about to get into a vehicle to head home. As she stepped in, he dint get go of her hand. He pulled her back towards him. And held her close. Closer than he had ever held her. Closer than public modesty would allow. But still not as close as he really wanted to hold her.

He looked into her eyes. And, for the first time, they betrayed the facade she was putting up. Yes, they said, yes i feel the same. Her eyes told him what her lips never did. Or that is what he wanted to believe !

And they stood for what seemed like an eternity. He closed his eyes. He had no way of knowing that she did the same, almost immediately. He leaned in towards her. He put one hand lightly on the back of her neck, and simultaneously she placed one hand lightly on his hip. And they kissed on the street. And, she, who did not open the door for him, pliantly opened her lips to meet his.

It was not they perfect moment, by far. It was hot, humid, polluted, noisy and populated. But they did not see anything else. They did not feel anything else. It was the sweetest kiss that either of them would ever know.

Their lips parted after what seemed like forever, but still too less. She got into the waiting vehicle, her eyes still closed.

She wanted the last image of his to be that of him leaning in to kiss her. He let her hand go, tantalisingly slow, and watched her vehicle speed away from him.

That was the last time they would see each other, like I said, for the relevant future.

----The End---

Not to be... (Part 1)

It was the last time they would be meeting, for the foreseeable & relevant future. The setting was neutral - a coffee shop. Neither was known for an emotional outburst, and the coffee shop prevent such a scene in any case.

It wasn't long ago that they had met. In fact, it was only a month back that they had first seen each other in person after school.

They weren't friends in school. She was the prettiest girl & he was among the many who only looked from a distance wishing they could be friends. She had left school before the final year and moved to Indonesia.

Since, there was no friendship to begin with, they had never been in touch. Also, there was not mechanism to be in touch. Neither had cellphones, there was no Facebook.

Fast-forward 10 years. He was now a confident young man. She was, for him, still the prettiest girl. They were "friends" on Facebook, which meant that he checked out all her latest photograph uploads, but never chatted with her.

One fine day, there was a photograph upload that he could not resist admiring and staring at for hours together. He had to tell her ! The internet medium, wherein you can chat without being face-to-face, lent him a lot of courage. He chatted - "you are looking absolutely stunning in your dp". And thus began a friendship. He realised that beautiful girls are also from the same planet & equally human. She realised that the geek from school, a non-entity to her at that point of time, had grown into a fine, young, funny man.

They kept chatting and with the advent of BBM, became even closer. Predictably, the guy fell in love with her. Predictably, the girl's feelings were never explicitly expressed !

And then something happened that the guy was waiting for. The girl decided to travel to India...for a month. He decided to woo her, as much as she allowed him to !

The first time they met, again, was a neutral place - an early morning jogging park. He saw her for the first time in person for over 10 years. She was as enchanting as ever. A pristine face, a "come fall in love with me" smile, long black-brown tresses that fell below her waistline. He, largely a confident guy, fell inadequate, even undeserving. For him, she felt as unattainable now as she felt unapproachable in school. But he wasn't gonna sit on his ass this time round !

And when they met, after the first few awkward moments - he kept stealing glances at her, and felt a loss of words, she wondered why the normally chatty guy had lost his tongue - they started talking. The ice shattered, and a comfort level was soon established. They laughed - he cracked the jokes, however, she was witty in her own way. They spoke about everything and nothing. They shared their feelings. They spoke about their families. They spoke about their insecurities. They spoke about their dreams.

The guy was elated, he was in love. The girl was scared, maybe she felt the same too. He wanted to hold her, maybe she wanted it to. But, that day and on the days following, he did no such thing.

And, thus, their talks continued. She really felt that he was the guy she would want to be with, he was the guy who she would be happy with, in every which way. However, it wasn't just her feelings that mattered. She envisaged a lot of opposition from her family for reasons that she felt convincing enough.

They spoke about it. He was livid. All that mattered to him was that 2 people love each other (mind you, she had never uttered those words explicitly, and would never do so...ever) and want to be with each other. Everything else can be taken care of.

However, she felt otherwise.

He was not known to explode with anger. He respected her and her feelings. He was sad, upset, angry. But those feelings were nothing against the feelings of love, respect and trust he had for her. If she said it ain't happening, it ain't happening.

And so, the month ended.

Now, it was the last time they would be meeting, for the foreseaable & relevant future. The setting was neutral - a coffee shop. Neither was known for an emotional outburst, and the coffee shop prevent such a scene in any case......


.....to be continued........

Few proposals and an answer

The first time I asked her to marry me was when we were six years old.

"I'll be the husband," I said, "and you can be the wife."
"No," she replied simply.
"Yes," I said.
"No," she replied again and walked off.
After a few moments, I walked off too. It’s no fun playing house alone.

The second time I asked her to marry me, was when we were fourteen. We were partners in a dance for the annual school program and I was waiting for her to come out of the dressing room. I was dressed in a black suit and bowtie. As she stepped out of the dressing room in a pink dress that came down to her knees, I took a deep breath. She looked like an angel that had just stepped down from the heavens. As we waited for the teachers to give the signal for us to get on stage, I stared at her and tried to find my voice.
She caught me looking and smiled as she asked, "What are you looking at?"
"Will you marry me?" I blurted out.
Her smile turned into a grin, and a second later she burst out laughing. I didn't mind. I could see stars in her eyes. Still laughing, she took my hand and led me onto the stage.

The third time I asked her to marry me was on her sixteenth birthday. We were at a picnic with friends and the two of us were sitting by ourselves under a tree as the rest argued about which game to play next. She laughed at something someone was talking about in the distance. I heard the tinkling of bells in her voice. I plucked a daisy that was growing nearby and gave it to her as I said, "Will you be my wife?"
She blushed as she looked at the flower, and then burst out laughing again. She took the flower and ran to join the rest of the group. I followed.

The fourth time, we were eighteen. We were sitting in the cafeteria in college as she sat sipping on a glass of orange juice and telling me how insightful the last book she read had been. After speaking continuously for a few minutes, she stopped and said, "What happened? Why aren't you saying anything?"

I looked into her eyes and said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"
As before, she burst out laughing again and said, "You're not old enough to get married yet." And then she started talking about another book.

The fifth time I asked her to marry me was the day of our graduation. We were both twenty-one. I got down on one knee with a red rose in my hand and said to her, "Will you, now, take me to be your husband?"
She grinned this time, and replied, "You're always in a hurry. You wanted to do your post-graduation, right?"
I shrugged, got back on my feet, and walked with her to the convocation hall.

Few years later, I had finished my post-graduation and had a job in a multinational company. We were sitting in an ice cream shop when she brought it up.
"You haven't asked me to marry you in four years," she said. "What happened? Did you change your mind?" She was smiling widely.
"What do you think?" I teased.
"I think you're afraid I’ll reject you again."
"You haven't really rejected me even once, till now," I countered. "You never really said 'No'."
"I did when we were six," she pointed out.
"She remembers", I thought to myself, as I smiled at the memory.
I held out a spoon of ice cream for her to taste, and said, "Alright, so you rejected me once."
"So?" she asked as she tasted my ice cream.
"So nothing," I replied.
She rolled her eyes in silence. She was no longer smiling.
"Well?" I asked. "Do you think I've changed my mind?"
She frowned as she said, "I don't know." She looked beautiful even when she frowned.
I watched her for a few seconds and said, "Why don't you ask me to marry you this time?"
"Me?" she replied, eyes wide in surprise.
"Why?" I asked. "What's wrong with that?"
She blushed. "No," she said.
"Are you rejecting me again?" I asked.
"No, no!" she said quickly.
"So then you are saying 'Yes'?"

She stuck her tongue out at me as she realized what I was trying to do, and went back to eating her ice cream.
"Hey," I said, as I took her hand in mine. "Marry me."
She scrunched up her nose as she replied, "Are you sure?"
I'd been sure since I was six.
"Yes," I said simply.
And she just smiled and nodded.

She...

It’s been over 6 months since the engagement, 4 months to the wedding and approximately 14 months since I first saw her. I am talking in approximations here because one calculation mistake about the regarding such historical days and the guy is dead, so I hope my maths is right here.

There have been many arguments and multiple fights interspersed between a tons of happy moments - Although, many such happy moments would be me giggling at my own jokes And we are still together, with me admitting that she has contributed most to the fact that the relationship is going as strong as a well fed wrestler, with my contribution apologizing after all arguments, driving her around, accompanying her on shopping trips and listening to her conversations, primarily.

This experience has changed, and continues to change quite a few things around me.

I mean, my telephone bills have ‘changed’ by a noticeable margin, to the horror of my dad and to the sheer delight of Vodafone. The amount of driving I have been doing around the city has gone up (The sight of her house as I turn around the corner is sight more beautiful than Taj Mahal’s for me). I meet my friends less than I see “Bade acche lagte hai” (which is never). I no longer wonder if I would have to change some baby’s diaper someday, confident that I HAVE to change it. And, I’m not complaining about any of the above

There have been many firsts also. Like, I went shopping..in Kurla..a place I would never have even ventured into to save a friend’s life otherwise.

But jokes aside, there has been internal transformation too – and no, I don’t mean my kidneys changing colour

You know, this is not the first time someone put her faith in me. Is not the first time someone thought she would have me besides her in every storm. Is not the first time someone put me in a position where I could hurt her, trusting that I would not.

After a past which would justify a Kameena Sequel to be shot on my life story, it was like god had e-mailed me a letter confirming that I was incapable of taking care of anybody , except my set of 4 portable hard disks, maybe.

I had vividly visualized a Dolby surround system installed in life where I would live alone , watching movies and eating burgers only to die someday with the unpaid set top box guys being the only ones bothered by my death .

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a guy who had refused to face difficult situation of his life, choosing rather to ignore it, hoping it would end on its own. A guy who thought ‘walking away’ or ‘letting things take their natural course’ was a cool thing to do, yet ashamed in his heart. A guy who had come to believe that life is this meaningless string of moments.

I know it was no holocaust I had faced, and there are people who have seen worse things - such as a college hostel’s food, but to my mind, I was a guy who could earn money and crack random jokes, but was worse than a China made plastic bicycle when it came to reliability and trust.

And then She came along. Strong minded. Independent. Graceful. Elegant. A lady who had the sensitivity of a petal, yet the strength of a tree. A heart which could absorb all pain, yet could shed tears touched by the pain of a stranger. A soul which held an understanding the very wise have, yet cares like the most innocent child ever. In short, my complete, geometrical opposite.

Considering the opinion I had about myself , I believe it would have taken a lot of foolishness and / or marijuana for me to believe I could be the guy she deserved , and to this day, I believe I am lesser than the guy she deserves.

But yet, since that day, she has been a friend, a guide and an inspiration for me. Without trying to teach me, she has given me something I could never give myself, something no amount of movies could give me, something no amount of hours immersed at work could give me, something no one else could give me

She has given me reason.

She has given me the reason to believe I can be a better man when she says she trusts me.

She has given me the reason to stay up at night till she is safely in bed, even though I have had a long day and have another early morning coming up.

She has given me the reason to feed a helpless beggar, knowing she would do the same.

She has given me reason to stop the car while driving to speak to her (she doesn’t like me talking while driving), when she has no way of knowing whether I have actually stopped the car or not. I even try and stop the car if I take a call while driving which is going to last more than a couple of minutes

She has given me the reason to choose the hard but right path, having learnt from her that a righteous life is better than a convenient life.

She has given me the reason to again believe that goodness and simplicity can exist and thrive in this world inhabited by greed, egos and exorbitant petrol prices.

She has given me the reason to know I am going to be all right, because my definition of being ‘all right’ has changed from not facing problems to solving them.

She has given me the reason to feel accepted, not because I am perfect, but because someone does not expect perfection.

She has given me a reason to be confident about myself as she believes in me more than could ever believe.

In a way, I think I never cared about the kind of guy I was. She gave me the reason to want to be a man better than who I am.

You know, I believe I may never be the man she deserves to be with. But for the first time in my life, someone has gained that place in my world that I am willing to happily try till my last moment.

Probably everyone else thinks this relationship is following the normal, Bollywood inspired storyline, and will end up fizzing out in a few months or years, replaced by the real questions such as who brings the kids from the school or why haven’t I still paid the telephone bill, but I know she will always be the same special one for me.

Because while a boy finds a girl who keeps him happy, this boy has found a girl he wants to keep happy.

While a boy finds a girl to live happily with, this boy has found a reason to live happily for.
I know “You” will read this, I just want you to know that I have made a lot of mistakes, and my dining table etiquettes are all wrong, and I crack jokes nobody gets, but I love you without expectations. And I will never stop doing that.