I thought I knew what’s coming when I saw the 2 shaded lines on the home pregnancy kit. I thought I will be ready when I saw that small dot on the screen at the gynaec’s and heard my baby’s fast heartbeats (just like a running horse’s hooves). I felt sure I will be prepared when I registered myself as a “dad” on babycenter.com and whattoexpect.com and started reading their weekly posts. I actually felt at ease when I devoured multiple pregnancy and baby books. I felt SO content when the kicks stopped as I sang to the bloated tummy (yes, truly ! The magic song was "so gaya yeh jahaan" from Tezaab and the Namokar mantra). I felt confident and a bit impatient even when I successfully (or so I think) dealt with N’s morning sickness and mood swings. I felt I had it all under control as I held N’s hand and urged her (filmy style) to push in the delivery room.
But nothing prepared me, nothing could have prepared me for the moment I saw her. She was tiny and shrivelled, she was wet and sticky, she was blood stained…she was beautiful. And then, she cried ! The most beautiful sound in the world. Of course, I could have never known my feelings about her crying would drastically change later, but that rant’s for another day, another blog post.
Everything I had done, read, heard or seen earlier went to trash. I suddenly felt I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t ready. I felt like I had no idea what I would do now. I felt like I definitely did not get the memo. I felt…overwhelmed !
Later that night, as N was asleep and I was still overwhelmed and unable to sleep, I picked the little bundle up and half hoped that in true Bollywood/Hollywood style, she would hold my finger and suddenly, everything would make sense. Of course, no such thing happened. I just kept holding her steady, afraid to drop her. I kept staring at her. This was a person that I (with a little contribution from N) had created. This was the 2 shaded lines on the pregnancy kit. This being with arms and legs and face was the little dot on the gynaec’s screen. These were the legs that kicked from inside, these were the ears that heard my singing voice. It was unreal… otherworldly, even. It was a feeling that N & I kept sharing and discussing over the next few months as we saw R grow. For lack of words, to us, it can just be described as… Magic !
Disclaimers:
In no way do I take anything away from what my wife (N) had to face during pregnancy. It was infinitely more than what I faced and I can only hope I was enough of a support. However, this blog remains purely my perspective, a dad’s perspective
